Synopsis: “Laura and Massimo are back and stronger than ever. But Massimo’s family ties and a mysterious man bidding for Laura’s heart complicate the lovers’ lives.”
Watching the 365 Days trilogy leaves me feeling unclean and unpleasant. I miss the person I was before I witnessed this.
Oh man, oh man, oh man. Here we are again.
It’s been a hot minute since my last 365 Days review but after the first part, I genuinely needed a break from these movies. Otherwise, I might have actually gone insane and nobody wants that, do they? It’s bad enough that I share my Netflix account with family friends and – considering that I watched the whole trilogy more than once to write these reviews – they probably believe I enjoy these. Unironically. But I digress. Let’s begin.
Part 2: 365 Days – This Day
First of all, who was responsible for these movie titles? 365 Days, 365 Days – This Day AND The Next 365 Days. Maybe I’m not the sharpest crayon in the box, but do you have ANY idea how many times I had to GOOGLE which one is the second movie in the series?! Not only that but the second and the third movie came out in the SAME year, which made distinguishing the two even harder. It irks me.
Right off the bat, 365 Days: This Day opens with a very-much-alive Laura on her wedding day receiving a surprise visit from Massimo before their ceremony. “You shouldn’t be here,” is the first sentence she mutters, followed right up by the very inspiring line “I don’t have panties”. You know, maybe while watching the first movie I’d have been a little caught off guard by this, but now? I almost expected it.
And then they do it. On the table. Outside. In their wedding outfits. Oh Boy, we are not even two minutes in!
This ordeal only sort of ends when her shocked best friend (and my personal favorite, might I add) Olga enters the scene: She shoos Massimo away and we find out that, despite Laura’s panty-less happiness, she has a secret: Although she survived the attack at the end of the first movie, her unborn child didn’t. Meanwhile, Massimo neither knows anything about the pregnancy nor the miscarriage and Laura wants to keep it that way.
Ah yes, dark secrets – the foundation of a good relationship. Such as kidnappings. And violence. You get the point.
After their marriage, which was about as emotional as a stale piece of toast, Massimo and Laura engage in some more ‘love’ making – if one can even call it that. Frankly, the following honeymoon montage was so unsexy, I took a stay of abstinence for months after watching.
And can we take a moment to discuss that one golf scene? Yes, I really witnessed Laura spreading her legs and encouraging Massimo to aim a golf ball – forgive me, everyone – at another kind of hole. It’s not even funny anymore.
HOWEVER, we also find out that there’s something going on between Olga and Massimo’s righthand man Domenico. Yes, I ship them and I regret nothing. I can’t help it. But they are so effing cute together. Picture this: Olga is sitting in a bubble bath, when Dominico dances into the room, wearing boxer shorts and nothing else. He’s holding a rose in his mouth, smiling at her. And. then. they. kiss. NAWWWW. Okay, the bar is incredibly low, but why do these side characters have more chemistry than our main protagonists? Oh yeah, because they are in an equal relationship with mutual respect and Dominico didn’t freaking KIDNAP Olga.
Anyways, the honeymoon is over and between longwinded montages, Netflix attempted to squeeze in some semblance of a plot. As it turns out: Laura is deeply unhappy with her new life as an abiding housewife, and repeatedly tells Massimo that she doesn’t want to be controlled by him. Gasp. How can that be, when all he wants to do is “protect” her?! Oh, please. Don’t we love abuse under the guise of spousal concern?
Gosh, I know I shouldn’t get this riled up, but dammit.
After this incredibly normal interaction with her husband, Laura has a talk with Nacho, the new gardener (OR IS HE?!) – and let’s just say, he’s not your average rake-wielding, lawn-mowing kind of guy. Honesty, kudos to the casting agents for finding the only actor on earth who could make Massimo look merely quite handsome by comparison.
Then it’s Christmas time in the world of Laura and Massimo, and you know what that means – presents, presents, presents! And what did Laura get her beloved Massimo? Well, let’s just say it’s something they’ve been doing since the very day they met – yep, you guessed it, SEX. Wow, talk about a gift that keeps on giving!
I mean, let’s be real here – Laura and Massimo have been knocking boots since day one, so it’s not like this is some kind of groundbreaking development. But hey, who am I to judge? If they want to wrap themselves up in a bow and give each other the ol’ yuletide yeehaw, then more power to them.
All I can say is, I hope they didn’t wrap that gift up under the tree for all the kids to see. Can you imagine little Timmy opening up a present like that? Talk about traumatizing.
What comes next is a sex scene that’s so long, you could watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy and still have time to spare. But don’t worry, I’ll spare you the gritty details – mostly because I don’t want to lose my lunch.
So, get this. One night at a party, Laura finds who she thinks is Massimo getting jiggy with his ex-girlfriend Anna. And what does Laura do? She storms off, chucks her phone into the ocean, and begs Nacho to whisk her away. I mean, she’s never been one to plan her own escape. Plus, it’s not like the gardener is a complete stranger, right? Oh, wait.
That said, Nacho is Massimo’s polar opposite: He’s charming, he can whip up a gourmet meal, he cleans, and he’s a devoted brother to his pregnant sis. To Laura, he’s like the answer to all her problems – a way out of a life that’s starting to feel like a trap. Can you blame her for swooning over this hunky gardener?
Now listen up, because this is important. Laura and Nacho have insane chemistry and they do kiss BUT they never actually do the deed, although she sure does have some very steamy daydreams about it. Because.. let’s be real for one second, “365 Days” is about as conservative as “Fifty Shades of Grey” – it’s all about living out your wildest fantasies without actually doing anything too crazy. I mean, sure, there are plenty of raunchy scenes, including some light kinkiness and some sneaky peeks at both male and female full-frontal nudity, but at the end of the day, this movie is all about marrying rich and having babies.
We find out that Nacho is the son of Don Fernando Matos, a crime boss who is rivals with Massimo. Dun, dun duuun! Needless to say, Laura is livid, but she decides to come along with Nacho to meet his father anyways. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, right? Ha! Famous last words, my friend.
While Nacho walks off to meet his dear old dad, Laura is left with a couple of guards. Little did she know, she was about to be kidnapped by none other than Massimo’s estranged and totally unstable twin brother, Adriano.
At the same time Massimo is having an argument with Nacho’s father, Nacho realizes that Laura left with the wrong guards and the two men rush to save her.
The following scene was just utter chaos: Laura discovers that Massimo has an identical twin brother. He was the one she saw at the party. So, real Massimo never cheated on her- hooray! What in The Parent Trap is this? Anna enters the scene, shortly after Massimo and Nacho show up. Bullets fly, left and right. Sadly, Laura ends up taking a few bullets herself from Anna and Adriano, who were promptly shot and killed by Massimo and Nacho. RIP, Adriano. We hardly knew ye.
The movie ends with Nacho walking off into the sunset, leaving poor Laura lying in the arms of Massimo. Her fate? Totally uncertain.
Bottom line: 365 Days: This Day is barely a movie. Honestly, it just feels like a two-hour-long music video with sex… yeah, that’s about it. No plot, and poor acting. Not even the sex scenes can salvage this one. And you know what’s even worse? I will never get those two hours of my life back. Tragic.